I have been given a beautiful reminder that once the door of change cracks open and the light seeps in, there really is no going back. I am about to begin week four on my current movie and, as far a being a set costumer on a feature film is concerned, really can not complain. I am working with friends, the cast and crew are lovely, we are shooting almost entirely in continuity order (That Never Happens!!), and I get to spend my summer in some of the most spectacular locations in the western United States. And all I can think about is that I would rather be writing, somewhere near the ocean, helping others to find and appreciate the beauty in their lives, and implementing the changes in my life that I have recently decided need to be made.
I accepted this most recent job because it was both an opportunity to work with old friends I’ve done many movies with and a chance to replenish the coffers after almost nine months of only working part time. And I don’t regret the decision. But, it has also solidified the realization that once there has been an internal shift, there is no going back to how it was before. I am comfortable on a movie set, I pride myself on doing my job well, and I am grateful for that, but I am no longer satisfied with being comfortable and knowing something “like the back of my hand.”
So, what to do when my mind and energy are somewhere other than where my body and attention are? Is it possible to keep these two sides of myself balanced and content for two more months, without feeling like I am split down the middle, never present, and wishing away my summer? Can I come up with a plan for my future while having gratitude for where I am right now, allowing the present to help solidify the future? I think so.
One of the things that have entered through the light of that cracked door is my current obsession with Tarot and with learning this ancient art. In his book “Voyager Tarot- The Oracular Way,” author James Wanless writes that “Living the moment is the best guarantee of the future. Knowing ourselves in the present creates the energies and situations that take us on to our next lesson and opportunity.” It is my impatience for those future lessons and opportunities that has me itching at the moment, rather than enjoying where I am and trusting in right timing and that all is (always) as it should be. I can begin planning now, even if the implementation stage is a little ways off. Research. Who is doing what I want to do? Who is my market? Where do I want to rent an apartment when I move to LA? What is the best way to rent out my house in Albuquerque? What can I do daily to stay engaged with my creativity and joy?
I don’t know exactly what comes next. But, what I see when I sit on the prairie daydreaming, while they set up the next shot, is that I want to write/design a book, I want to help others make books, I want to sell limited numbers of treasures I find while traveling, I want to create beauty in the world, I want to help others to find beauty in their lives and create more of it, I want to wear clean, nice clothing to work (sorry REI, but all of your UV protective clothing I will spend the next eight weeks in doesn’t count), I want to live near the ocean, I want to create a community of creative, brave, fun people, and I want to use and expand on the talents and creativity I have kept hidden for years.
So, I am grateful to this movie for pushing me in a new direction as gently and kindly as it possibly can.
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