I’ve been having a bit of an identity crisis lately… Looking at all that I’ve spent years building and wondering if it’s really the direction in which I want to continue. I imagine this happens to everyone periodically, but since it’s been a while since I felt so unsure, I’m ready to feel clear and directed again and I know that’s not the way it works. Clarity can’t be rushed. Like Grace, it’s out of our control.
In my experience these times are a bit like a treasure hunt in a tunnel. You can’t really see where you’re going but you just keep following the clues, trusting that as strange new doors open, you’re still on the right path.
This most recent bout of uncertainty sprang out of getting dropped back into my life after working on another movie and realizing that for all my talk of an integrated life, it wasn’t really feeling like mine was. Spending much of my time on the road, often living happily as a gypsy, I was unsure what to do with myself once the frenetic movie pace stopped. And, no matter how tempting it was to simply jump on another show to avoid dealing with my uncertainty, I knew that wasn’t a good long term solution for myself.
I spent much of the winter feeling the same way and it was one of those empty days that led to the creation of this blog. I felt the need to write and take pictures and connect with other people and be able to bring my creative outlet with me, wherever I went. When the same emptiness hit me over the summer, I decided I needed to take it a step further and signed up for several writing classes.
So, here I am, learning about narrative, expository writing, plot, and character for the first time. Somehow I made it through 16 years of school with only the most cursory knowledge of basic writing terms. I spend hours mining memories and creating hopefully three dimensional characters only to go back and erase the whole thing. The image appears in my mind but the words fall short. I read books and stories with a new found awe for the authors who so skillfully find the words.
I find it somewhat amusing that in a need to feel connected, I chose an outlet that involves me sitting alone, in front of my computer, in my studio. But, yet again, I have to trust that for some reason this is what I am drawn to right now. Who knows if it’s the place I’ll end up or just one stepping stone on a path towards a destination I still can’t see. Maybe it will be so difficult, I will run screaming into the arms of my film career, never to wander again. Who knows? Sometimes we just have to wait and see, trusting that at some future time we will see that it was all necessary, that A led to B and then to C, that there are no mistakes, and that it is all exactly as it should be. Eek!