trust – smagik

You were never not…

May 18, 2019May 18, 2019Life, UncategorizedLeave a Comment

Every once in a while I look around at my life, I should really do it more often, and marvel at how I was never not going to be where I am. It was never not going to happen.

One year ago, more or less exactly, I was in my apartment in LA, overcome with the feeling that somehow along the way I’d managed to take a wrong turn and was, in fact, not living the life I was meant to live. A horrible mistake had been made.

And even though, deep down, I knew that it was impossible to have made such a mistake, it was not a good feeling. So, I made a drastic left turn and moved back to New Mexico.

One year later, this morning, I came across a journal/scrap book I kept sometime in college. The dates of torn out magazine pages and scribbled entries seem to fall between the years 2000 and 2004. I love this book. A one inch spiral bound journal overwhelmed and stuffed with images, cards, and patterns, bursting to 5 or 6 inches wide. And guess what? I haven’t changed! Images of beaches, vintage clothing, surfers, and women designing lives they love pour out of the pages. The same things I still pin on Pinterest and dog-ear in magazines.

But, the really crazy part?

I’ve manifested the whole thing! My life is the images I tore out and glued in almost twenty years ago. I have created everything I used to want and that I didn’t know how I was going to make happen.

At the time I was making aprons out of vintage tablecloths and selling them to stores. After years of saving McCall’s pattern books and drawing fashion catalogs on the kitchen table after school, I wanted to work with clothing but really didn’t know in what capacity. I wanted a beautiful home and a creative way to make money and to fall in love with a surfer so we could travel to different beaches around the world. Ding ding ding.

Did I make it happen? Did it happen because it was always meant to and all I had to do was show up? Did years of thinking the same thoughts lead me to an inevitable conclusion? And where will it lead from here?

I have no idea!!

But, it is a trip to remember how powerful we and our thoughts are and to remember that we were always heading to where we are now. Even my confusing time in LA, or time spent with the wrong guy, or saying yes to a job I regretted; it was all part of the plan. No matter how curvy the road may have been or how many left turns we take upon realizing we don’t like our trajectory. This was never not going to happen.

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Forward>Backward

March 12, 2019March 12, 2019Balance, Life, Travel, Uncategorized, WorkLeave a Comment

I was recently granted one of those rare opportunities to step back into the past for just long enough to see how much everything has changed. As Zora Neale Hurston wrote in her book Their Eyes Were Watching God, “there are years that ask questions and years that answer,” and, after so many spent in the question phase, it is a relief to feel and see answers popping up all over my life.

I spent February in Los Angeles, working on the same TV series I spent half of 2018 on. Same characters, same costumes, same locations and crew; and yet my life has totally changed in the six months since we initially wrapped. No more Silver Lake apartment or weekends spent wandering aimlessly. No more dating or existential beach walks during which I wondered what to do next; Should I look for a new place to live in LA? Move? Give that boring guy a second date? So many days, weeks, months spent going in circles, trying to figure it all out in my head, trying anything to alleviate constant anxiety. Until one May morning, last Mother’s Day weekend, I woke up and knew it had to change. I was unhappy and the beach walks weren’t working. It was time to throw it all up in the air and stop trying to force anything.

I started meditating every day. I stuck with heart opening mantras in the hope that my heart always knows which direction is best and would guide me in ways my head only ever pretends to.

And the answers began to come…back to my little house in the desert…back to part time work and hiking and making and cooking and creating and love and to family and connection. I fell back in love with the life I had taken for granted just a couple of years before.

And then February, 2019. Back in LA. Back for a quick taste of what I left behind and all I could think of was how I couldn’t wait to return to the desert, to the man, house, yard, couch, family, and to the life that happened as soon as I stopped trying to force the answers.

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A Flower’s Example

May 26, 2018May 26, 2018Balance, Life, Photography, Uncategorized2 Comments

How to follow the example of flowers, trees, and snakes and let our petals, leaves, and skin fall away when it’s time, rather than cling to all that no longer serves? The balance of nature surrounds us, yet following that example can feel more like a blanket being ripped from a toddler’s hands than like some divine wisdom meant to lead us to the best versions of ourselves.

Which stories are on repeat in our heads? What are we afraid of? How do we let go of that fear? How do we trust and have faith that not only are we meant to be happy but that as soon as we let go of fear, we will be?

I woke up a few weeks ago and, though it could have been just another morning, this morning I woke officially sick of all of my stories. You want to get a dog, but can’t because of work? Old story. You want to be the crazy artist instead of wrangling crazy artists? Then go do it. You don’t like your job? Do something else. Seriously, my soul whispered, get on with it already, this discussion is boring me to death.

On my nightstand- The Untethered Soul, by Michael A. Singer and A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson. Morning routine- Live Awake guided meditations by Sarah Blondin (so good, found on the Insight Timer app), hot water with lemon, followed by stretches and/or dancing.

All of this helps me tune into that inner voice which, though always there, is so easy to ignore when the idea of change seems overwhelming. But, guess what? Suppression will make it ten times harder in the end and, as we know, the soul will have its way.

So, why not listen to the whispers, make the move, get the dog, ask the question, and change the story? You’ll be fine, the whispers say. Better than fine. You will thrive.

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Hope/Trust

June 9, 2017June 18, 2017Life, UncategorizedLeave a Comment

hope

to cherish a desire with anticipation : to want something to happen or be true
archaic:trust
to desire with expectation of obtainment or fulfillment.
to expect with confidence :trust

“I hope you can let this go.” -President Trump to Former FBI Director Comey.

vs.

The platform of Hope upon which President Obama ran in 2008 and 2012.

vs.

Hope or Trust.

I have looked at and said the word Hope so many times today that it no longer looks or sounds like a word, you know what I mean? What is it? And what if, just what if, hope is actually what is causing our country to stumble right now? As I rolled this word around in my head, I kept coming back to its implied passivity, a wait and see attitude that can lead to doing nothing or, worse, to expecting others to do it and then acting like a victim if they don’t. What about the hope that coal mines will come back, that global warming is a Chinese hoax, or that going backwards is ever an option? As much as I love the optimism it can carry, hope has doubt at its core and there is no getting around it.

What if, instead, we choose trust? Trust in ourselves and our communities and in the idea of working together, for each other and with each other, to move towards a common goal? What if we begin to demand that kind of reliability within all of our relationships, including those with our government? I have faith in this country and know that we are better than the hoping/wishing/waiting/ burying our head in the sand and crossing our fingers that things will improve trap we seem to have fallen into. I don’t know that hope is serving us well and think it is time to switch it up. Just a thought.

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Rear View

February 22, 2017Balance, Life, UncategorizedLeave a Comment

Lessons of 2017, so far-

You can not go backwards.

When changing ingrained habits, you will be tested.

Humor is invaluable.

You can only ever make the next right choice.

Grey> B/W

It is up to you and only you to create the life you want.

Your teachers will come in all forms.

Until the lessons are learned, the situations will repeat.

Resistance works.

Panic achieves nothing.

Creativity is a necessity.

Sometimes it is necessary to turn off the news and turn up the music.

Your intuition is Always right.

Life goes on.

***

As my dad and I recently made what I hope to be the final drive moving things from my house in New Mexico to my apartment in LA, I was struck by the thought that just one year ago, none of my current reality was anywhere on a conscious horizon. For all I knew, I was content to keep living in my house, working as a costumer, and continuing as before. Forever. The truth is that I wasn’t consciously thinking about any of it, but rather just going along.

Cut to the winter of 2017 and I am living in a different place, working as little as possible in my career of over a decade, protesting my current government, taking improv classes, signing up for multiple other classes, dating, and consciously creating a life that reflects and encompasses who I want to be.

And I really have no idea what I am doing! Like seriously no idea. I am being repeatedly tested when saying no to the familiar and comfortable, be they cities, jobs, or habits, as if the Universe wants to be really certain of my commitment. After emerging from the tests, I simply try to make the next right decision on a daily basis, saying no to the things I know do not work, and trusting that at least then there will be room for what does work, even if I don’t yet know what that is. Onward–>

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The Cubs. And Faith.

November 3, 2016Life, UncategorizedLeave a Comment

Last night the Chicago Cubs won the 2016 World Series and, as the daughter of a dad who grew up on the south side of Chicago and had a Cubs Shrine for most of my childhood, I cried. I cried for my grandfather who, though a Cardinals fan, took his family to Wrigley Field on the weekends, for my dad who never lost faith in his Cubbies, for the Cleveland Indians who have had their own long drought, for the city of Chicago, and for a country hungry for something to celebrate in what has been a year full of dismal, sad, and disturbing news.

For 108 years, Cubs fans have kept the faith and gone along for the ride, trusting that their day would come once again. 108 years! Entire (very long) lives were lived without seeing that day. And that got me thinking about faith, a topic I’ve been returning to a lot lately.

I chose Faith as my word for 2016 and, as I should know by now, be careful what you wish for! But, really, it has been the perfect word and reminder for a year in which I have had to repeatedly remind myself to let go, trust, and just do the next right thing. As I watched this World Series, the managers of both teams played bigger roles in the game than I remember being aware of, though anyone who follows baseball on a regular basis would probably tell me that the managers always play a huge role. I watched as key decisions were made, second guessed by armchair coaches and fans, and then either worked out as planned or didn’t. Both managers were doing what they perceived to be the next right thing and then had to let go and have faith that their players would make it happen.

Six months ago, I had just returned to Albuquerque from a month in LA and two truly transformational workshops at MITT (mittraining.com). The idea of changing my whole life for the sake of making a change and because I love the quote “if you’re not happy where you are, move. You’re not a tree,” was beginning to take root and I began to take small steps to make the life I envisioned a reality, one decision at a time. How? I made a list of what I wanted and then made decisions based on that list. I want to be happy, near the ocean, work on set less, make more money, be part of a larger, creative community, expand my social circle, swing dance, learn to surf, treat it all as an adventure, say yes, play, let it go, build a life through action not reaction, trust my gut, ask for what I want, wake up feeling rested, cook healthy food in my kitchen, laugh at myself, the list goes on and on and on.

And, six months, one Western, and a World Series later, here I am, back in LA, the manager of my own life, checking things off that list, making the next right decision for myself and then letting go, trusting, and choosing to have faith that my players (the universe) know how to get it done.

This post is dedicated to my dad, who has always kept the faith!

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Safe.

May 13, 2016May 13, 2016Life, UncategorizedLeave a Comment

A ship is always safe at the shore, but that is not what it is built for.

-Albert Einstein

Just over a month ago, I made a list of what I love about my life and things I would like to change. Among the many I loved were low overhead, a career I was established in, and my house. Comfort. And among those I wanted to change were stagnation within a career I am grateful for but don’t love, a city that is comfortable but unexciting, and an overall feeling of complacent, easy familiarity.

Uh oh. In my experience it is possible to stay in a comfort zone for only so long as one doesn’t realize that is what it is. I have been a costumer in the film industry for 13 years, owned my house for 11, and have been based in the city I went to college in since college. For over a decade I have resisted learning curves, added expenses, appearing impractical, following my heart, and believing that my big, huge, wild daydreams could actually be called plans instead. And, the funny part is, I never realized it or thought of myself as someone who played it safe or made decisions out of fear.

But, here I am. And, thanks in part to my training at MITT (mittraining.com), a spotlight has illuminated areas of my life I had preferred to keep dim and now there is no going back. Not wanting to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater, how can I use that which I already have to support new directions in which I want to go?

I am well established in a career and industry that allows one to take lots of time off if desired. Great! Use the randomness of the film industry to support myself as I experiment and move in new directions professionally and creatively.

I have a house in a cool neighborhood that I adore but in a city that hasn’t been inspiring me lately. Great! Let it work for me, instead of vice versa, and rent it out, rather than feel tethered.

Time to think creatively and to realize I really am only ever as trapped as I decide to be! And the same goes for you. No excuses. In my morning tarot card pulls, fear and change keep coming up, with the common theme being to move towards each rather than away. Which ideas cause my stomach to flip flop slightly? Great! Do that.

The ocean, museums, new day trips, an expanded social circle, different views, travel, creative income, undiscovered restaurants, hikes, and businesses, adventure, curiosity, exploration, trust, faith, expansion. Yes, please.

I chose Faith as my word for 2016 and know that in order to fully embrace that word, I have to leave the shore.

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Yes. No. Goodbye.

February 29, 2016Balance, Life, Photography, Travel, UncategorizedLeave a Comment

Yes. No. Good Bye. Just back from a fantastic 48 hour jaunt to LA and I am going through recently snapped photos, while elegantly dressed stars strut their stuff down the red carpet on TV. This photo, of a stenciled picnic-table at Trails cafe in Griffith Park, makes me smile, seeing it as the perfect image/metaphor for my life right now.

Certain themes keep popping up, among them making clear choices, letting go, traveling, saying yes, saying no, and trusting that even when I can’t see the forest for the trees, I am being guided and the trees will eventually part, making way for a view. Sitting at the picnic table, in the LA version of a forest, after two random hikes in oddly inappropriate clothing, the sun dappled the table and the “happy iced tea” was cold and tart.

Improvising Happiness

April 6, 2014April 6, 2014Balance, blah blah blah, Life, Work, Writing3 Comments

One week into my new year here on earth and I’ve honestly been too busy to think about much, other than my sore feet. But, as my recent jobs, working on shows that take place in both Ancient Egypt and the 1940’s, come to a close, I have some time to reflect.

I’ve always liked where my birthday falls within the year. With three months between it and New Years, I am usually a bit clearer about my wishes, hopes, and a word for the year. Three months ago, I chose “happiness” as my word for 2014, in an attempt to keep things simple.

Now, for age 35, I’m adding the word “congruence.” Hoping to stay on track with happiness, I am attempting to make sure my choices and decisions are in line with that desire. It’s taken years to finally figure out that I truly am the engineer, manifester, designer, or whatever you want to call it, of my life. Happiness is a choice and one that I want to make daily.

I’ve spent much of the past year really paying attention to the small things that repeatedly bring me joy and those that don’t. I’ve allowed things to change and evolve and accepted that things which used to do the trick, might not anymore. And I’ve had to realize that my life might end up looking very different than I once thought it would, but that if I’m staying on track with being happy, then it doesn’t matter and it’s all good.

Eight weeks ago, I signed up for an improv class on a whim. It was something I hadn’t done since college and that I hoped would go well with my creative writing classes; getting me out of my head, keeping me present, helping me to have fun and take myself less seriously. It achieved all of those and yesterday, after the last class, we were all given “World’s Best Improvisor” awards.

I had to laugh at how perfectly this fit into my life. I feel like the universe keeps asking me to replace outdated plans and agendas with improvisation and trust. By staying present, paying attention to what makes me happy, letting go of what doesn’t, and keeping my decisions in line with that happiness, I have more of it in my life every day.

Astro Crazy

October 3, 2013October 3, 2013Balance, Life, Uncategorized1 Comment

Geez O Peet. Do not read your October horoscope if you’re trying to maintain a cool, calm, and collected vibe. It doesn’t matter your sign for apparently the planets are out to wreak havoc on each and every one of us in the coming month.

Though a bit of an astrology junkie, there are many terms I don’t fully understand as I flip from site to site, looking for something that rings true. I walk a fine line between taking it all with a grain of salt and really believing it. I then end up worrying that by having read about a potential difficulty, I am helping to manifest such a situation by thinking about it. At that point I turn off the computer, fold the newspaper, and cut myself off.

As someone who tries to live her life from a place of faith and trust in the universe, I realize that the times when I find myself obsessing about astrology are usually the same ones when I’m having a hard time keeping that faith. I want answers, something to tell me it’s all good, there’s a date when it will all become clear, and that I have some control. Well…. I can pretend all I want, but should know by now that all I can ever do is stay present, make decisions based on the information I have at the moment, and keep moving forward.

So, at the moment I’m sitting in my favorite coffee shop, it’s a beautiful October morning outside, and, though each astrologer says the first week of the month is supposed to be a killer, this doesn’t seem so bad.