You were never not…

Every once in a while I look around at my life, I should really do it more often, and marvel at how I was never not going to be where I am. It was never not going to happen.

One year ago, more or less exactly, I was in my apartment in LA, overcome with the feeling that somehow along the way I’d managed to take a wrong turn and was, in fact, not living the life I was meant to live. A horrible mistake had been made.

And even though, deep down, I knew that it was impossible to have made such a mistake, it was not a good feeling. So, I made a drastic left turn and moved back to New Mexico.

One year later, this morning, I came across a journal/scrap book I kept sometime in college. The dates of torn out magazine pages and scribbled entries seem to fall between the years 2000 and 2004. I love this book. A one inch spiral bound journal overwhelmed and stuffed with images, cards, and patterns, bursting to 5 or 6 inches wide. And guess what? I haven’t changed! Images of beaches, vintage clothing, surfers, and women designing lives they love pour out of the pages. The same things I still pin on Pinterest and dog-ear in magazines.

But, the really crazy part?

I’ve manifested the whole thing! My life is the images I tore out and glued in almost twenty years ago. I have created everything I used to want and that I didn’t know how I was going to make happen.

At the time I was making aprons out of vintage tablecloths and selling them to stores. After years of saving McCall’s pattern books and drawing fashion catalogs on the kitchen table after school, I wanted to work with clothing but really didn’t know in what capacity. I wanted a beautiful home and a creative way to make money and to fall in love with a surfer so we could travel to different beaches around the world. Ding ding ding.

Did I make it happen? Did it happen because it was always meant to and all I had to do was show up? Did years of thinking the same thoughts lead me to an inevitable conclusion? And where will it lead from here?

I have no idea!!

But, it is a trip to remember how powerful we and our thoughts are and to remember that we were always heading to where we are now. Even my confusing time in LA, or time spent with the wrong guy, or saying yes to a job I regretted; it was all part of the plan. No matter how curvy the road may have been or how many left turns we take upon realizing we don’t like our trajectory. This was never not going to happen.

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Easy Peasy

Why do we think it has to be hard? Why not just expect it to be easy? All of it! As I enter into the adventure of 2017, I believe that it will be easy and that all I want and need will appear at the perfect time and in the perfect way, ways that I could never predict. 

Three weeks in and January is shaping up to be even wackier than November 2016, hurtling into the future, asking only one question; are you consciously creating the life you want or cruising along, willy nilly? 

In nineteen days I have mostly furnished a new apartment, found a long term tenant for my house in Albuquerque, begun improv classes, signed up for a session with a life coach, been on one decent date and two fantastic dates, walked in the ocean, learned a new recipe, been asked if I want to be a contestant on a new soon to be televised dating show (seriously), visited with long lost friends, and am writing this from a cruising altitude of 37,000 feet, traveling from LA to D.C. for a little rally with 200,000+ of my closest pink pussy hat wearing friends. And there are still 12 days left until February!

When I was about to start looking at apartments in the fall, friends warned me that the LA market was very competative and that I would likely need check stubs, tax returns, and the like when applying. I proceeded to look at one apartment, fill out an application, and within five minutes was told that it was mine if I wanted it. Um, ok. Easy Peasy. 

So, why not expect everything to be the same? In looking at love, money, creativity, community, and adventure, why not call them in with the belief that they are just waiting to be mine, or yours? They are. And the more I practice this, the truer it becomes. Is it truly possible to have everything we want? Yes, just as soon as we get out of our own way, stop thinking small, acting unworthy, sabotaging ourselves, running for the hills, saying one thing and then doing another, and finally harness this newly discovered superpower and accept that we really are that powerful. For all of our insistence that we want it to be easy, we then do everything possible to complicate, confuse, and mess with that which wants to be ours, simply because having that much power terrifies us. Well, get over it. Accept it. Until you do, it will never be yours. 

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Just F***ing Own It!

IMG_2120.JPGOur deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. -Marianne Williamson

I have always loved this quote and over the years I would read it, tape it to various bathroom mirrors, and re-read it.  But, it wasn’t until this past week, during the Advanced Course at MITT (mittraining.com), that I realized just how many years I have spent shrinking and hiding from my brilliance, creativity, beauty, courage, power, height, and worth, in some bizarre attempt to keep others from feeling insecure, but really because it scared the crap out of me. “Who am I to be so much?” I whispered.

I built a persona based not on shining authentically, but on being nice, responsible, not rocking the boat, and basically taking up as little space as possible, believing in some way that would benefit myself and others the most. The ironic part is that in trying so hard not to appear selfish and ego driven, I was exactly that, believing deep down that my loved ones, and the world,  were so little they wouldn’t be able to handle my biggest self. I didn’t think of it in those words but, same difference.  “I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, ever, including myself, so we can all just survive, get through, wait, wish, and see what comes our way. It’ll be fine.”

But, I am done with fine.  I’m done with anything less than risky, courageous, vulnerable, joyful, fun, authentic, gigantic living. I, and everyone I know, happened to win the lottery in this go around at life and to then turn our backs on those gifts seems like a big, old slap in the Universe’s face.  What do you want to do? What makes you happy? Why aren’t you doing it? When did you stop doing it? What did you want to do when you were a child? It is possible to get back to when the answers felt clear and there was no hesitation when asked.

Yesterday, as I was driving home from LA, I heard the news that Prince had passed away.  Another authentic, creative, beautiful soul taken too early and all I could think was Thank You. Thank You for rocking us to our cores and for showing us how gigantic and fearless we are capable of being, before heading back to party in the stars.

Prince’s sudden passing was just one more reminder that life is short and oh, so precious.  I am committed to speaking up, showing up, playing big, and just f***ing owning my beauty, power, and worth as a leader. And, lucky you! You get to do the same, starting now.

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