I was recently granted one of those rare opportunities to step back into the past for just long enough to see how much everything has changed. As Zora Neale Hurston wrote in her book Their Eyes Were Watching God, “there are years that ask questions and years that answer,” and, after so many spent in the question phase, it is a relief to feel and see answers popping up all over my life.
I spent February in Los Angeles, working on the same TV series I spent half of 2018 on. Same characters, same costumes, same locations and crew; and yet my life has totally changed in the six months since we initially wrapped. No more Silver Lake apartment or weekends spent wandering aimlessly. No more dating or existential beach walks during which I wondered what to do next; Should I look for a new place to live in LA? Move? Give that boring guy a second date? So many days, weeks, months spent going in circles, trying to figure it all out in my head, trying anything to alleviate constant anxiety. Until one May morning, last Mother’s Day weekend, I woke up and knew it had to change. I was unhappy and the beach walks weren’t working. It was time to throw it all up in the air and stop trying to force anything.
I started meditating every day. I stuck with heart opening mantras in the hope that my heart always knows which direction is best and would guide me in ways my head only ever pretends to.
And the answers began to come…back to my little house in the desert…back to part time work and hiking and making and cooking and creating and love and to family and connection. I fell back in love with the life I had taken for granted just a couple of years before.
And then February, 2019. Back in LA. Back for a quick taste of what I left behind and all I could think of was how I couldn’t wait to return to the desert, to the man, house, yard, couch, family, and to the life that happened as soon as I stopped trying to force the answers.
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Every year, my mom gives me a Redstone Diary Calendar for Christmas. They choose a word or a theme for the coming year, as I do, and without fail, our words tend to blend bizarrely well. Out of fear of ever being audited, I keep past calendars in discarded black shoe boxes, taken from costume departments, filled with a year’s worth of receipts.
2016 Faith/ Therapeutic
2016 was all about going deep and having faith that I’d be ok with whatever I found. 2017 asked me to let go of the timeline in my head and to see it all as an adventure. 2018 opened my heart and asked me to play. I love that for 2019 they chose the word Home. I have decided on the word Integrate.
2019 Integrate/ Home
in·te·grate | \ˈin-tə-ˌgrāt \
1: to form, coordinate, or blend into a functioning or unified whole : UNITE
1a(1): free of wound or injury : UNHURT
(2): recovered from a wound or injury : RESTORED
b: free of defect or impairment : INTACT
c: physically sound and healthy : free of disease or deformity
d: mentally or emotionally sound
2: having all its proper parts or components : COMPLETE
4a: constituting an undivided unit : UNBROKEN, UNCUTa whole roast suckling pig
in·teg·ri·ty | \in-ˈte-grə-tē \
3: the quality or state of being complete or undivided : COMPLETENESS
1a: one’s place of residence : DOMICILEhas been away from home for two weeks a place to call home
3a: a familiar or usual setting : congenial environmentalso : the focus of one’s domestic attention home is where the heart is
1: relaxed and comfortable : at ease felt completely at home on the stage
2: in harmony with the surroundings
To be an integrated whole, to live a life of integrity, and to be a person at home in her body, self, and life. A willingness to let go of control and a desire to stop compartmentalizing. A plan for my hobbies, jobs, relationships, friendships, family to combine into a whole and to mix with all of the juicy messiness that might bring. And the ability to remember that it is in this juice, this mix, that the flavor lies.
That’s what I want for 2019!
What about you?!
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