We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

-Joseph Campbell

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Yesterday I stood on the edge of grassy cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean and thought about Joseph Campbell’s words, as salty wind whipped my hair and wildflowers rustled my jeans. With my car parked on the shoulder of Highway 1, somewhere between Carmel and Big Sur, California, I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be but also wondered how I had gotten there. Thirty nine, no children, no pets, no husband, a career that won’t let me break up with it no matter how many times I try and for which I am grateful, a month on location in one of the most spectacular places on earth, a full weekend to myself, too may hobbies to count, and a mixture of gratitude, wonder, and uncertainty.

Is this it? Does everyone look around, at their life, and ask that question, not as one of lack, but out of curiosity?

Keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable.

-Mary Oliver

I am not actually sure what the life I planned looked like. I wanted to be everything from an actress, to a window dresser, linguist, and writer. I assumed marriage and children would just happen though I never thought too much about it. They still might. I don’t know where I saw myself living or what exactly I saw myself doing, I just assumed that one morning I would wake up, look around, and think “oh good, finally figured it out and now it all makes sense.” HAAA!

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On Friday I sat in the front seat of the car carrying a famous actress to a movie set. To my right the sun was beginning to set over the Pacific Ocean and, as we curved around the famous 17 Mile Drive, through Pacific Grove and into Carmel, news about President Trump’s decision to launch missiles into Syria played over the radio. Heaven and hell all in one surreal, twenty minute drive.

How do we let go of how we thought it would be, so we can be present and have gratitude for what is actually happening in our lives, moment by moment, and thereby be of service to ourselves and others?

Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive. And go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

-Howard Thurman

What makes me come alive? Getting in my car with my camera on an empty day with no agenda other than to drive, take pictures of what I see, listen to music as I go, and share the beauty that I find with others. Though finding beauty on California Highway 1 is actually unavoidable, I have as much fun doing the same in Georgia, LA, Colorado or wherever else my job and life take me. IMG_4329

I wake, whether in my LA apartment or any number of hotel rooms, knowing that I want to help make the world a more beautiful place and to help others find the beauty in their lives and I wake with a certainty that I can and will do this, though the specifics remain vague. As I let go of the hows, things fall into place and my life becomes a creative adventure that I, along with the universe, am creating one day and decision at at time.

Back of every creation, supporting it like an arch, is faith. Enthusiasm is nothing: it comes and goes. But if one believes, then miracles occur.

-Henry Miller

Faith. Faith that there is a plan bigger than anything my little imagination can conjure up. Faith that we are always being guided and presented with the next right choice, so long as we are present enough to see it. As I repeatedly let go of my ideas about how it should be and accept how it is, I wake more often feeling that I actually am figuring it out and being let in on the secret.

Let the beauty of what you love be what you do.

-Rumi

Yesterday’s Theme Song- Astral Plane on Valerie June’s album The Order of Time. Snack- sweet potato corn chips, bought at a little camping supply grocery store in the redwoods of Big Sur. Smell- salty, woody, grassy air.

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The moment one gives close attention to any thing, even a blade of grass it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.

Henry Miller

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Love after Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott

IMG_3963I’ve loved this poem since the first time I heard it, years ago. That idea of coming home to yourself and saying “oh, hello there, look at all of this awesomeness I have been too preoccupied to notice. Hello life, hello self, hello world, hello beauty, hello late night moments of contentment, morning stretches, new songs, old recipes, friends…

Today is my birthday and all I can say is thank you for the clarity that grows a bit stronger every year….the idea of time as a spiral rather than a straight line, a journey that can be mistaken for going in circles until one realizes the lessons lead us around until learned, but always go deeper, never really repeating…the certainty that my intuition is always right, even when I choose to ignore it… the realization that my four/ten/eighteen year old selves knew what they wanted and I am simply coming back to that certainty now…the soul will have its way.

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39.

Soundtrack… Boxer Rebellion-Ghost Alive

Diet…Waffles

Exercise…Dance, Laughter

Destinations…Biarritz, Portugal, Bruges

Goals…Love, Draping, Embroidery, Dog, Patternmaking, Presence, Gratitude

Color…Pink

Currency… Abundant Prosperity

Tarot Card…Queen of Wands

Advice…Let Go

Muah!

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It’s been a while! I keep waiting for something to want to be written,  but feel that one month after returning from India and one week before returning to work, I might need to force the issue.

I have been a hermit. Not a depressed hermit, nor a sad or lonely one. Just one who is totally content to rearrange the furniture before decluttering the bookshelf and then cooking dinner or taking a walk and happily crawling into bed at 9 o’clock. The past couple of weeks have been chilly in LA and I am happy to blame the dampness, the need to wear a sweater, and the desire to drink tea all day for my lack of blogging, but really that all adds up to perfect writing weather. So, what’s up?

I returned from India just in time to celebrate the Lunar New Year of the Earth Dog in Downtown LA’s Chinatown, something which, as a March born Aries, always sets me up for my own personal, fast approaching new year. With the first part of 2018 under my belt, where are things flowing and where do adjustments need to be made?

Something clicked in India and I have had a hard time writing about it and summing it up into words. Hence the lack of blogging? It wasn’t conscious or literally related to India and no experience there was directly responsible, but I returned to my life feeling and seeing clearer than I can remember ever feeling or seeing.

Midlife; when the Universe grabs your shoulders and tells you “I’m not f-ing around, use the gifts you were given.”

-Brené Brown

This clarity led to a couple of weeks of real physical and mental discomfort as patterns, habits, relationships, and ideas that no longer served me were illuminated and then removed. I can only describe it as feeling like the birth canal we all must go through to get to the light. Within this period, which came between the eclipses of January 31 and February 15, I was woken in the middle of the night by a literal earthquake centered in Silver Lake, (only 2.9, but that is strong enough when it’s under your house!), a necklace I haven’t taken off for over two years literally detached itself from my neck and fell off while I was standing still (I’ve always heard that when you break a necklace or a mirror it is the end  and beginning of a seven year cycle of karma), I broke a pitcher and my tea kettle on the same day, and the list goes on and on.

And then I woke up one morning and it was all clear. Things I have been working on or trying to “figure out” (ha, when has that ever happened?!) suddenly  became clear. Puzzle pieces clicked into place. Words I’d said or thoughts I’d thought suddenly had the power of knowing in my gut to back them up.

Was it India with its ingrained spirituality which, even if that’s not why you go there or what you are seeking, permeates the air, water, and people and gets into your bones? Was it being away from everything familiar and therefore seeing that which can so easily be overlooked? Was it just time? Was it grace? Or the eclipses? Who knows?! Some combination of all of the above. All I know is that it’s all good and that there is no escaping your wake up call when the Universe deems you ready. So, get ready!

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I was just trying to write something here for the first time in several days, but a wedding passed by the hotel, so I had to go and watch. And so it goes.

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Words, or at least the ones I know, seem an inadequate form for India. I want to touch it, wear it, hear it, eat it, smell it, and live it.

The compassion. Curry. Textiles. People. And the, literally, totally rocking Temples. Everyone I’ve met, from people on the street, to shop keepers, to drivers, discuss vibration, energy, and the Gods as if discussing restaurants or the weather. Spirituality is so interwoven with life, it seems impossible to separate the two.

And, why would we want to?

This morning, while eating breakfast, I watched as a wild pig, two cows, several dogs with pups, monkeys, chipmunks, birds, and people went about their morning routine, together. None with any more right to be there, in the intersection, than the other.

The fields surrounding town are full of mustard plants, blooming with yellow flowers. Our driver told us it will be harvested at the beginning of March and then it will get hot, very hot, through October.

Right now it is beautiful outside. Warm in the day and cool at night.

If you’d like a silver pendant shaped like a mango and filled with perfume, look for Mangoman’s shop in Bundi.

 

All photos taken in Bundi, Rajasthan.

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**

While standing in front of my closet, throwing clothing onto the bed, I realized I was having my most perfect 2017 dilemma. What to wear when performing in an improv show and then going to a “festive attire” Christmas party after?

Improv-

Must be comfortable. Skirts and Dresses are out- One never knows what to expect onstage, especially when audience suggestions make up a good portion of the evening, and, should I happen to find myself a snake slithering across the ground or a summersault instructor at summer camp, I don’t want to be concerned that everyone is staring at my ass. Must not show underarm perspiration, brought on by onslaught of adrenaline, not temperature. Must hide vomit, should my nerves get the best of me. Must help me feel good so not to be preoccupied with “why did I wear this?” instead of answering “yes, and.” Hmmm- black tops, pants, comfy shoes. Ok.

Festive Attire Christmas Party-

Sparkles, skirts, dresses, and heels seem like the way to go. A costume change may be the only solution. Good thing I’m a costumer in my spare time.

**

The fact that this is the major dilemma of my day makes me laugh. In improv, one always responds with “yes, and” as a way to move the skit forward in ways that only become clear in the moment, as suggestions and fellow improvers’ ideas are flying at you. It is the perfect way to get out of your head, away from any preconceived notions of how things will go, or how witty you will be. It is all about being present, listening, and then responding.

I began taking classes last winter, two weeks after moving to LA and into my apartment. And, it is only now that I see how that idea of yes/and and presence has permeated my 2017 and my life and, for that, I am grateful. I have no idea how tonight will go, but, I am already laughing and that is the point.

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Leaving my Storytelling and Spirituality Class (the best way to spend Saturdays), I head to Grand Central Market for my favorite fancy coffee at G&B Coffee. As I wait at a red light, a car pulls out of its spot just ahead of me. I will the spot to stay empty until the light turns green. It does. There is over an hour left on the meter. This is going well! I cross the street and head into Grand Central Market. Though it's been a fixture in DTLA since 1917, I only recently discovered it. Full of stalls serving everything from bagels, to burritos, falafels, and pizza, it has not only great food but better people watching. I take a seat on a stool at G&B and order my favorite drink, the "Business and Pleasure," (it comes in three parts, because why wouldn't it?!) and a cornmeal and cheddar waffle. I sit, drinking, eating, watching people and think about what a perfect Saturday I am taking part in.
How is yours? Go do something fun, something that makes you smile! If you already are or did, bravo! Life is short, eat the waffle.

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I returned to LA from Georgia over a week ago and am just beginning to feel part of my life again.  It’s something I write and think about frequently; the idea that there is my real life and my temporary life, the one I have never figured out how to live while on location, from a hotel room on the side of a freeway, complete with bad carpeting and a mini fridge.  And while I have discovered a few of the things that keep me connected (finding organic produce at Target, my workout CDs, and books), it still feels like I am killing time, waiting to get back to living.

So, what is living? When do I feel connected and present in my life? In addition to being around those I love, with whom laughter, talking, and silence come easy, the answer seems to be creativity. Whether its a blog post, a meal, or a card, when I create something, I feel that I am communicating with the world and can rest well.  For the past week I haven’t been sleeping and have also felt too tired to create anything; my meals have been quick, my outfits boring, my blogs nonexistent. Blank. But, slowly, the juices are returning.  The energy to cook, write, and create beauty is returning and I trust that, with some rest, so will the desire to pursue the larger projects floating around in my head.

I bought flowers, avocados, limes, and chips on the way home from work.  Time for a brainstorming, list making, happy hour party, even if it’s just me and my computer, on a Wednesday afternoon.  If I am going to keep making my living in an industry I don’t love, but that allows me time off and pays my bills, there need to be some ground rules:

1.Only go on Location if it’s to somewhere Awesome, for no longer than a month, and only if I am going to make a bunch of money.

2. Create something, anything, once a week, minimum. Write something everyday.

3. Use the money I make working to sign up for every class/workshop that looks fun, writing and otherwise. Save the rest.

4. Say No to Full Time work. Part time allows for classes and projects. 

5. Never forget to find and create beauty, even in Georgia.

 

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