LaLa

I had a crazy bout of anxiety before returning to LA for the first time in a year one week ago. My life in New Mexico felt completely removed from the pace and vibe I associate with LA and I worried that I know longer knew how to drive fast, merge onto busy freeways, work crazy long hours, and do all that I used to do regularly.

Well, lo and behold, it all comes back! Cellular memory is a thing. But, so is anxiety. The idea of returning had me in a kind of paralyzed fear that my two worlds wouldn’t mix and that it was an either/or, black/white, can’t have both situation. I was scared that past experiences and memories would influence my upcoming stay and was thus stuck in both past and future. Totally not present. (Side note- I’m currently reading “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself” by Dr. Joe Dispenza and in it he discusses this exact scared of the future because of the past dilemma and offers solutions).

But, being here for one week has reminded me that there is always another option. This, and that too. Shades of grey. There is an energy to LA that, though it can be exhausting, is also invigorating and inspiring. It’s an expensive, competitive, and difficult city in which to live and thrive and therefor pushes people out of their comfort zones and into leaps of faith. It’s not a city one coasts in.

And I’ve spent much of the past year coasting professionally, as I contemplated new directions and possibilities. I worked in film just enough to pay the bills, started selling vintage clothing online (www.knockaboutvintage.etsy.com) but have yet to launch some of the plans I originally had for that business… Being in LA has reignited those ideas and I feel excited to return to New Mexico energized and inspired.

Think stories, vignettes, and photo shoots…

More to come. Stay tuned.

Freefall, and float

The Avowal

As swimmers dare

to lie face to sky

and water bears them,

as hawks rest upon air

and air sustains them,

so would I learn to attain

freefall, and float

into Creator Spirit’s deep embrace,

knowing no effort earns

that all-surrounding grace.

-Denise Levertov

The weeks between eclipses, planets joining together for the first time in centuries, a bad flu, anxiety, post holiday sugar crash…It hasn’t been the vibrant beginning to 2020 that I envisioned last month, but, as these things go, I see that I am right where I need to be. Back to the basics; mediation, soup, sleep, breath, trust, and faith.

With little appetite for over two weeks, I eat broth and bread. All I want to wear are sweatpants and a closet full of  unworn clothing seems absurd. I find it suddenly easy to discard books, dishes, and clothes and scarves once held onto so tightly.

The news makes me cry and I have to ration my intake. Fire and war, climate change, primaries, and extinction.  No way to figure it all out at 3 a.m.

A work trip looms on the horizon; one month in LA, the first such trip in a year. A message arrives-  it is a lovely project with kind and organized producers and cast. This eases some of the anxiety.

I am being guided and there is nothing to figure out. One step at a time. Simplicity. Do what we can. Sleep. Nourish. Care. The reminder that “no effort earns that all surrounding grace”. Just being is enough.

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Vibrant 2020

Wowza! A lot can happen in a decade. But, then, a lot can happen in a year, month, and day too.
The 2010’s.
Though they took up my thirties, I can’t help but relate to the fact that they were the teens of our century. Tumultuous, to say the least. Growth, change, and personal lessons up the wazoo. So grateful that old patterns can change with effort and that the path became a little clearer as new lessons presented themselves. It was a decade that asked me to take ownership of the life I want and to stop living passively.
As I look towards 2020 and beyond, the feeling I want is one of being truly alive and present, confident in my worth and able to stand in the light, choosing love always.
My word for 2020 is Vibrant. Pulsating with life. Responsive. Sensitive. Healthy. Joyful. Present.
Wishing you a truly joyous, smagik, light filled, and peaceful New Year and decade.
What’s your word?

Word…

With just over three weeks left in the month, year, and decade, how’s your 2020 word search going?

I think I landed on mine today. Though clear about the feeling I want to encompass in the coming year, putting all of that into one word was proving tricky. Until today, when out for a walk and boom, there it was.

I’m going to mull it over for another few weeks, just to make sure, but… it resonates.

How’s your word coming along? Can’t wait to hear your choices.

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Wash Over

I have had some great reminders lately of just how fleeting feelings can be. First, I feel uncertainty build, followed by discomfort and the need to figure something out, so I can feel comfortable again. This leads to anxiety because I can’t force the figuring out process which leads to panic and frustration. Going well so far! And then, just like that, it settles down and passes and I can hardly remember what all of the hullabaloo was about.

Repeat.

I am currently sitting on a bench watching waves roll onto the beach and back out again. The sky blends seamlessly into a grey ocean, no horizon line. They roll in. They roll out. Seagulls fight over bits of bread a man below throws their way.

Nothing to figure out. Nothing to do but trust that when you need to know or to act you’ll know what to do and that, until then, just being is enough.

You get there by realizing you’re already there.

Eckhart Tolle

Gratitude

Let everything happen to you

Beauty and terror

Just keep going

No feeling is final

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Have you seen the movie Jo Jo Rabbit? With moderately high expectations, we saw it last week and… go, go, go now! Go see this movie! It ends with this quote and really, what more needs to be said?

With so much gratitude just to be alive, watching history unfold before our eyes.

Wishing you and yours a very happy, healthy, and peaceful Thanksgiving!