smagik

I rang in Y2K two-stepping at an old saloon in Madrid, NM, called the Mineshaft Tavern. I was in my second year of college, still imagining I would major in art, theater, or Spanish (I ended up majoring in American Studies), and spent any free time I had swing dancing, collaging, and reading. I don’t remember ever looking too far into the future or worrying about how it would play out. And three months after graduating from college, a career in the film industry fell into my lap and, because it seemed just weird and interesting enough (and was a Union job with benefits!), I ran with it.

Cut to 2023, twenty years into that career, 100+ days into a seemingly unending strike, and I feel not unlike that young woman but with one big difference- less energy to start from scratch. As a summer that I had planned to spend on a costume trailer slips by and I read news story after news story about the lengths to which the Producers/AMPTP are willing to go to break both the WGA and SAG, I realize I may really need to look at how I make a living going forward. Not because the Industry will never return, though I’m not sure it will be the same, but because I don’t want to work for or with these greedy, money obsessed, artless assholes when it does. Ideally all of the lovely people I have spent the past two decades working with will return and we’ll get back to it, but I know many who, between this strike and the Covid shutdown of 2020, have had enough.

But, how to turn years of experience in a new direction and begin something in my mid 40’s? It sounds exhausting. I avoid answering by turning to my side hustle of selling vintage clothing and back to old favorites like writing, collage, and dancing Two Step and Swing. And I remember that the “scratch” I may be beginning from is not the same as it was in 2003. It is a spiral, not a line on which I’ve retreated, made of twenty years of experience, work, money, decisions, and connections, so even though I at times feel like I’m asking myself the same questions I was then, I do know and have more now.

As I look into the future, I am clear on my values in a way I wasn’t when I was younger. I love the freedom I have been afforded by the Industry, the power I have had to say yes or no to jobs and to plan my year(s) as I wish. I love the adventure of showing up at a new location every day and feeling like I both know what to expect because of the familiarity of a film set and that each day is also different and unique. I love the solidarity in being part of a Union, along with the benefits. And I love the other weirdos who end up in it. I do not like the hours and the inability to make plans outside of work when I am on a job. I do not like the idea that I could be working for people who see their film crew as a machine to be used up and spit out. How do these likes and dislikes fit into a new context and how do I not feel like I am going backwards?

The fact that I am asking new questions like “how do I like to fill my days?” and “what is non negotiable?” is the answer to that worry. My career has allowed me to own a home, have a savings account, a resume, and has given me a freedom and confidence I didn’t have at 23. As the strike continues and the months tick on, the answers to those new questions have changed. Who would have thought dancing, writing, exercising, and getting enough sleep were non negotiable? Three months ago they weren’t. Twenty years ago those goals may have been “buy a big house, move to NYC, or become a famous actress.” Hmm, no thanks, not now. Now I’ll take my freedom, low overhead, blue sky, and dance lessons. Maybe I just need to get a job, not a new career. What if these soul feeding non negotiables really are what is most important and having this time is what has allowed me to see that. Maybe just a job that pays the bills is the answer. Can my ego handle it? That remains to be seen.

In Solidarity!