smagik

Last month I almost bought another house. Another because I didn’t plan to sell mine, but to keep and rent. It got as far as earnest money, inspections, and closing dates, but ended when mold was found and I suddenly remembered all that homes entail.

I bought my home when I was 26, two years into my costuming career, before it was my career, with little thought other than ‘I like this neighborhood’ and ‘I hate paying rent.’ It has turned out to be my longest relationship, so far. My home, not just a house. It is small and reminds me of a nest, one that I have left for multiple short periods of time, sometimes a few years, but which always pulls me back. I marvel at people who can have casual relationships with with place they live as I can not.

When I was a kid, rearranging and painting my room was a regular occurrence and home design magazines were my jam. Never one for posters of teen idols, I framed vintage black and white photos and arranged on the wall in such a way as to accent my antique wrought iron bed frame, which I repainted. Maybe it’s my Taurus moon, but living somewhere that doesn’t resemble me was never an option.

Like a loved one whose annoying habits you cease to notice, it wasn’t until I thought about renting my house to others that I noticed the piece of trim that had come loose years ago and the doorknob that hadn’t worked since who knows when . It took me all of thirty minutes to complete a list of five small handywoman chores that had actually needed to be done for years once I just decided to do them. The things we will do for others that we won’t think to do for ourselves.

The new house had potential: more space, on a big lot, in an interesting neighborhood, and a new adventure sounded fun. It still does. And down the road we’ll see what presents itself. When mold came back in the inspection, I didn’t know I was about to become unemployed, at least temporarily, because of the WGA strike. Nine hours after I pulled out of my house contract, I unexpectedly lost my job, which in hindsight seems like the epitome of cosmic protection.

And because I came so close to making the move, to letting go, to holding my breath and jumping, it was with an extra deep exhale to realize my home still has my back with its low interest rate and affordable monthly bills, sweet neighborhood and neighbors, familiar little quirks, and that it has been here supporting me for 18 years and will continue to do so.